I am not sure there is any more lonely feeling for me than to feel separated or feel there is a wall of hurt or anger between myself and someone I love. I hate the feeling that we are not fully connected, to use last weeks thought, fully present to each other in a way that allows our lives and time together to be a gift that brings happiness and joy to each other. Yet, I am sure this does not come as a shock to many of you, there are those times, even in the best of relationships, that someone does something to disrupt the harmony. They may leave their clothes lying around after they have been washed and folded, instead of putting them away. We may simply have a different goal or solution to something we face together as a couple. This is why the act of forgiveness is so very important. As the quote at the top of your insert says, “Without forgiveness, we would never be released from the consequences of what we have done or what has been done to us.” Forgiveness is the only way I know to bring healing back to a relationship that feels broken.

The issue of forgiveness is a complex one. We could probably do a whole sermon series on the topic, itself. But I will try to keep it focused today on how it is a tool to strengthen relationships. The passage in Matthew truly challenges us. Peter is asking Jesus how often he should forgive someone, even seven times. Jesus says not just seven times, but seventy times seven. In essence as often as you need to, to repair the relationship. But in Luke, Jesus says it a bit differently. Jesus says as often as someone repents we forgive. The word repent means “to have a change of heart, a change of mind and a change of direction in your life.” It seems to me that Jesus is trying to let us know that what we do, our actions are important in the living of our relationships. That we do not just ignore what another does and say it is ok, especially if it is an action that continuously brings hurt or separation to another. To coin a phrase by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “There is no such thing as cheap grace.” If we do not hold someone to a healthy standard of being in relationship, they will continually cause hurt, and sadly they, themselves, will not know the joy of being in a fully present relationship with another. Jesus’ words carry the sense if someone is truly sorry for what they have done, they will try and change what they do that brings a hurt and separation to the relationship.

Let me show an example that also shows how the different tools we have been talking about begin to interface with each other. Let me refer to the skit we did when Nancy talked about using “I statements” in her sermon on “Communication.” Remember, Nancy was sharing a hypothetical illustration of someone not putting their clothes away after she had washed and folded them. In responding to her frustration, I might say in a sense of repentance and forgiveness, “I understand that it must be frustrating to work so hard to get all the laundry done and then have me not honor that work by putting my clothes on the floor rather than putting them away. So I apologize and promise in the future I will be more sensitive to the work you do and put my clothes in the dresser. But, I must say, my feelings were really hurt when you called me a ‘Jerk.’ I would hope that you would never resort to calling me names again.” The confrontation allowed us to deal with an issue that created resentment and hurt feelings, acknowledge them, and repent. To have a change of direction or behavior that would keep an issues from resurfacing for us over and over again and then consequently having an argument that leads to more hurt feelings, etc.

As wonderful as forgiveness is, we recognize, as the insert points out, that it is often times hard for us to forgive. And there is a whole list of reasons why. And I am sure there are still some that are not on the list. But there are two thoughts in particular that I believe are important as we look at forgiveness as it relates to our own lives and relationships. Erich Fromm, in his book, The Art Of Loving, gives an important insight into the issue of forgiveness. Fromm shares the insight that most people when they have been wronged want justice. We want someone to pay for the wrong they have perpetrated upon us. But, Fromm reminds us, “When we are the ones who have done the wrong, when we are the ones who have created the separation, what we hope for is forgiveness.” We want to be brought back into the good graces, the embracing love in our relationship. It is an important thought. “When we are wronged we want justice, when we do the wrong, we pray for forgiveness.” And being human we know that we will inevitably be the ones who hope for forgiveness. So remember the scripture that reminds us, “We reap what we sow.” We receive what we give.

The second thought that is important is who are the people you most often find yourselves at odds with? The ones you share life with most intimately. And it is not only because you spend more time with them, but it is because they are the ones you have genuine expectations from. It is hard or harder for a stranger to bring hurt to a relationship, because you seldom have any expectations from them. But, it is the one who you thought would support you in your time of need that was too busy when you needed him or her that hurts. It is the one you thought you could count on to notice that you extended yourself and did some of their work because they were behind or not feeling well, and they never even acknowledge you did it, let alone thank you for it. The scenarios are endless. So, who it is that you are most often separated from are the ones you love most deeply, and share life with most intimately. It is these relationships that are brought back to healing when you practice forgiveness.

But what about forgiveness when someone doesn’t repent? How about forgiveness when someone not only doesn’t say they are sorry but truly does not feel sorry for what they have done? Should we forgive anyway? It is here that we learn that forgiveness is more than about healing a relationship. Forgiveness is sometimes about healing a life, our own. Lewis Smedes in his book, Forgive and Forget, talks about how unresolved resentment and anger can literally tear lives apart. Smedes says that “Hatred is like a snarling tiger in our souls which shreds our own lives.” To forgive someone is what we need to do to move on in our own lives without letting our past control our present and future. For me, it is my ability to forgive that makes sure or prevents another person from having too much power over my life. I refuse to let someone who may have hurt me, continue to have the power to hurt me over and over again. So I forgive and move on, knowing life has many joys and many good people to share it with.

One of the things I have learned in my faith walk is that God never asks us to do something that God has not done first for us. The teachings we receive on forgiveness are challenging and do take a lot of effort. So it seems important that we recognize that we, as the children of God, receive forgiveness far beyond anything we will ever be able to give to another. And maybe that recognition helps us in our ability to forgive. The passage in Colossians says, “Forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you.” It is this thought that convinces me that Good Friday as the day of crucifixion is our moment of salvation. Jesus upon the cross says, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” That even in the face of the most brutal sense of rejection the world could have given to the presence of God in our midst, the response is still God’s forgiveness. We have been forgiven much, may we be able to forgive the little that comes our way.

As we prepare now to receive the sacrament of Holy Communion, may we experience the depth of God’s love and compassion for us all, so we may be empowered to share our forgiveness with others. As Jesus himself said, “The sacrament reminds us of the new covenant that is for the forgiveness of sins.” It is God’s love that forgives continuously in our lives.

And as I said, it is for me this forgiveness that is the foundation of our salvation. The theological word for salvation in our faith is the word “atonement.” We find its definition by breaking it into its syllables. Atonement becomes at-one-ment. To forgive literally means we come back into at-one-ment in our relationships. In this sacrament we experience our at-one-ment with God who forgives us. In our forgiveness of each other, we restore shalom, the loving present, an at-one-ment in our relationships with those who are most precious and special and intimate in our lives.

From this I learn that forgiveness is always an act of grace, and certainly not cheap grace, for it costs God and it costs us. Grace means unearned, unmerited love. Surely, as we forgive, we must let go of hurt and a fractured relationship so it can be whole. Forgiveness is always grace given by the one who has been hurt, but what a gift as it can bring us back into at-one-ment with those we love.

How often should we forgive? As often as it takes to be at-one with the ones you love.

“Without forgiveness, we would never be released from the consequences of what we have done or what has been done to us, and our capacity to act would, as it were, be confined to one single deed from which we would never recover.”-Hannah Arendt

• Forgiveness is a choice
• Forgiveness is empowering
• Forgiveness is a skill
• Forgiveness is a journey

Mariah Burton Nelson in her book, The Unburdened Heart, believes there are five keys to the journey of forgiveness:

1. Awareness-Who am I forgiving and what am I forgiving them for. What happened? Who was responsible?
2. Validation-a potential forgiver generally tells his or her story to another. (Why listening skills are so important) Simply sharing the story can ease the burden of anger.
3. Compassion-compassion for the offender is an essential step toward forgiveness. South Africans call this, “seeking the humanity in others.”
4. Humility-recognizing that we have also hurt people.
5. Self-forgiveness-giving ourselves permission for being who we are. (Remember sermon #1-“Respecting self and others” Self-love means being honest with who we are, and embracing this, and yet in embracing ourselves in love we seek to grow in our own Christ-like character.)

Why people find it hard or even refuse to forgive:

1. We lack experience and expertise
2. We’re angry
3. We’re afraid of being hurt again
4. We’ve grown comfortable in the victim role
5. Our culture does not emphasize forgiveness
6. We don’t want to admit we were hurt
7. We fool ourselves into thinking we have already forgiven
8. We don’t want to look in the mirror
9. Our egos get in the way
10. We want to stay connected to another
11. We think the person does not deserve forgiveness
12. The offender doesn’t apologize
13. We believe the apology isn’t sincere
14. We wait for the wrongdoer to become a rightdoer
15. We associate forgiveness with condoning the behavior
16. There are some things that are just unforgivable

Much of what you hear in the sermon, “Growing in Love: Tools for Strengthening Relationships-Forgiveness” will be about why it is important to forgive. The following reflects some of these same thoughts, but is also an attempt to share some tools on how to forgive. They are taken from the book, The Art Of Forgiving: When You Need To Forgive and Don’t Know How, by Lewis B. Smedes.

1. The most creative power given to the human spirit is the power to heal the wounds of a past it cannot change.
2. We do our forgiving alone inside our hearts and minds; what happens to the people we forgive depends on them.
3. The first person to benefit from forgiving is the one who does it.
4. Forgiving happens in three stages: We rediscover the humanity of the person who wronged us, we surrender our right to get even, and we wish the person well.
5. We forgive only for what they do, never for what they are.
6. We forgive people only for wounding and wronging us; we do not forgive people for things we do not blame them for.
7. We cannot forgive a wrong unless we first blame the person who wronged us.
8. Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey
9. Forgiving does not require us to reunite with the person who broke our trust
10. We do not forgive because we are suppose to; we forgive when we are ready to be healed
11. Waiting for someone to repent before we forgive is to surrender our future to the person who wronged us
12. Forgiving is not a way to avoid pain but to heal pain
13. Forgiving is done best when it is done intolerantly
14. Forgiving someone who breaks a trust does not mean that we give them their job back.
15. Forgiving is the only way to be fair to ourselves
16. Forgivers are not doormats; to forgive a person is not a signal that we are willing to put up with what he or she does
17. We do not excuse the person we forgive; we blame the person we forgive
18. Forgiving is essential; talking about it is optional
19. When we forgive, we set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner we set free is us
20. When we forgive we walk in stride with the forgiving God

Sermon delived by Rev. George Cushman on February 5, 2006.