Once upon a time several hundred years ago there was a young couple in Viet Nam. The young husband had to serve in the Army and was sent off to a war leaving his pregnant wife. Three years later the husband was released from the Army and he returned home. The wife with their little boy went to the village to welcome the husband home and when they were reunited there were lots of tears of joy. In the couple’s tradition it was appropriate for them to express their thanks to their ancestors for protecting and supporting them during their long separation, so the lady went to the market to get the things she needed for the ritual of thanksgiving. Meanwhile the young father took care of their son while she was gone. The father tried to persuade the little boy to call him “Daddy”, but this was the first time the son met his father and the little boy refused. The boy said, “No sir, you are not my daddy, my daddy used to come every night and my mother would talk with him every night and she often cried and every time my mother sat down my daddy sat down.” When the young father heard this he was deeply hurt. He believed someone had intruded in his life and his home and destroyed his happiness. His heart became like stone and he became like a block of ice. When his wife came home, he wouldn’t look at her, he wouldn’t talk to her and she didn’t know why. It hurt her terribly, but she didn’t ask him about it. The husband went in to do the ritual for the ancestors and when it was his wife’s turn he refused to let her do it. He didn’t believe that she was worthy. She was so hurt. The young husband continued to behave this way for three or four days and finally the young woman couldn’t bear it any more and she jumped into the river and drowned herself. That night the young father lit the kerosene lamp, the young boy shouted, “here, here is my daddy and pointed to the shadow of the father projected on the wall. You know, sir, my daddy used to come every night like this and my mother used to talk to him a lot and cry with him a lot. Every time my mother sat down, he sat down.” The truth was that the mother talked to her shadow every night saying “Darling, you have been away too long. How can I raise this child alone.” and then she’d cry because she missed her husband so much. Now the young father understood, but it was too late.^[i] This story comes from Thich Nat Hanh, a well known Buddhist monk and peace activist. This terrible tragedy could have been avoided if either the husband or the wife had been willing to communicate,. Pride can seduce us to cut off communication, but that sinful pride will damage and even kill our relationships. Communication is to relationships as oxygen is to the body. If communication is choked off the relationship will become weak and sickly and eventually die, just like the body will die without oxygen. The second tool in our tools for strengthening relationships is to communicate better. The Pledge of Shalom adds “to share my feelings honestly, to look for safe ways to express my anger and to work at solving problems peacefully.” ^[ii]

Communication involves words, tone of voice, body language, listening and interpreting. George is going to talk about listening next week. I want to focus on the other parts this week. The writer of James is very clear about how important it is that we control our tongues; that we are thoughtful and careful about the words we say. The passage seems kind of hard on the tongue, but I think it really stresses how powerful our words are and how it is our responsibility for controlling what we say and how we say it. The last words of the passage that question how someone can bless God and curse God’s children with the same mouth reinforce what Jesus said in the other reading from the Gospel of Matthew. I like the paraphrase of verse 34c from the Message Bible, “It’s your heart not the dictionary, that gives meaning to your words.“ ^[iii] Our tone of voice and body language as well as our words reveal where our heart is, so we need to be as attentive to our true feelings as well as our words.

Dr. Howard Clinebell in his book, Well Being, says that two kinds of interpersonal skills are essential in nurturing loving wholeness – honest, caring communication and effective conflict resolution. ^[iv]  So let’s talk about some specific tools to help us hone these skills. One very helpful tool is to use “I statements” such as:  “I am feeling . . .”  “I heard . . .”  “I understood . . .”.  This is especially helpful if we feel really strongly about the issue we want to communicate. Let me show you the difference. Let’s say I spent hours doing the laundry and folding it neatly, only to find it sitting in the middle of the floor the next day rather than being put away. I could find the culprit and say, “You are such a slob. You make me so mad. You threw your clean clothes on the floor and trashed them. You are such a jerk!” The defensive walls of the other go up immediately and he or she gets ready to fight or flee so there’s not much chance of resolving anything. Now let’s try using “I statements”.  “I am very frustrated to see your clean clothes on the floor. I worked many hours yesterday to wash and fold them. I feel like my efforts are not appreciated and honored when you put them down where they will get dirty again before you even wear them.” I have communicated my feelings and my perceptions honestly, but I have left the door open for the other person to say what they intended or did not intend. We will probably be able to resolve this so we are both satisfied. “I statements” are so helpful because we acknowledge from the start that it is my feeling, belief or perception and we leave an opening to hear another side or perception. And with “I statements” we do not place blame or name call which immediately throws up defensive barriers in the other person. It is easy to remember because you simply start your sentences with the word “I”.

The founder of Stephen Ministry, Kenneth Haugk co-authored an excellent book about communicating honestly and assertively in a Christ-like manner called Speaking the Truth in Love: How To Be An Assertive Christian. ^[v] He offers these four steps for offering criticism or feedback that will help it be a positive experience.

1. Describe the situation. Be brief. Be specific. Whenever you can, point to specific behavior.
2. Use “I statements” to describe your perceptions and reactions. Speak only for yourself.
3. Offer specific suggestions for improvement. Describe not only what you think is wrong, but also suggestions for what you think can be done to make it right.
4. Genuinely assure the person of your help and support before, during, and after the changes are made. ^[vi] Make sure you let them know you are speaking the truth in love. There are many other specific guidelines including more depth on offering criticism and receiving criticism in the book that I can not take time to talk about today.

Every relationship has conflict at one time or another. The key is not avoiding conflict, but it is engaging in conflict and resolving the conflict in ways that strengthen the relationship rather than damage it. It is a good idea to practice new communication skills on routine things and minor things so that when you hit a real conflict you have already honed your communication skills. Paul tells the Ephesians you may be angry but do not sin. A book about the Shalom Pledge called A Call to Peace, shares one technique to help us control our words when we are angry. It is called using “cold water words.” These are words to defuse or de-escalate a conflict. Some examples are “We can do better than this. Let’s not go down that road.” (This one is good for those who tend to “gunny sack”; in an argument they pull out stuff that happened a month ago, a year ago, a decade ago.) “Let’s not go down that road.” Some more are “Maybe you’re right” or “Let’s start over.” ^[vii] These statements help us to remind ourselves and the other that we may be angry but we still respect and value each other enough to not hurt each other more. The second tool I have found very helpful in conflict resolution is a technique from a short book called Getting to Yes which is a book on corporate negotiating.  One of the premises of the book is that in a wise agreement the legitimate needs of all parties should be met to the extent possible.  This means that in resolving conflict you try to discern the need that each party has that has been somehow threatened, which is why you are in the midst of the conflict.  Then brainstorm ways that each person’s need is addressed and satisfied.  For example, a couple is arguing over whether to buy a new car.  Each person is firmly entrenched, one wants to buy and the other doesn’t.  They start to talk about why they want or don’t want one, working to identify the underlying need.  The husband says that he wants a new car for his wife because her car is old and unreliable.  He is afraid she is going to break down some night on the way home from work and get hurt.  His underlying need is a safety need.  The wife handles the family’s finances and she knows that they can not afford a new car.  She is adamant that they are not going to get into debt that they can not afford.  Her need is to be financially responsible.  So now knowing the two needs: the safety of the wife and financial responsibility, they can brainstorm solutions that meet both needs.  Maybe she can carpool to work with a friend or they could buy a newer used car or she could ride the bus.  Now the discussion has opened up and they can come to a resolution that is acceptable to both of them. 

Paul gives such a great standard for communication in the passage from Ephesians, “putting away falsehood, speak the truth” (25), a few paragraphs earlier he qualifies that with “Speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). “Be angry but do not sin” (verse 26). “Speak only what is useful for building up as there is need, so that your words may give grace to those who hear them” (verse 29). May our communication always be a source of grace and a reflection of Christ’s love in our hearts. Amen.

Sermon delived by Rev. Nancy Cushman on January 22, 2006.