When I do a premarital preparation session with a couple, I often give them an assignment to do if it is possible. I ask the man to observe the behaviors and roles of his future wife’s father, and I ask the woman to observe the behaviors and roles fulfilled by her future husband’s mother. I get a little bit of a strange look from some couples until I explain my reason for the assignment. I share that what we all know about relationships and our roles in them are based upon our observations in our own nuclear families. So, if you, as the man want to know what your future wife’s expectations are in the marriage, you can probably get a good idea from observing her father. And if you, the future wife, want to know what your husband’s expectations for you will be, observe his mother. Every once and awhile I will hear, “No! Not my dad!”

The reality is what we know about families and relationships are often learned by observing those we know most intimately. Based upon what I hear from the couple will influence how much premarital prep we will do. Most couples have been raised in good families who have good communication skills and already are aware that roles are not only stagnant but are often times shared or even reversed at times to keep a marriage alive and healthy. But, there are those times, I recognize, that I need to do a lot of work with couples. I remember a young couple in particular. We were chatting, and I simply asked how many children they were going to have. He immediately said, “Twelve.” To which the future wife almost fell off the couch and with as much indignation as she could muster said, “Like hell we are!” Then my surprise as I asked, “Haven’t you two even talked about children?” No, but they both knew that they wanted them. We had extra sessions.

Sadly there are those who enter into their own marriages and significant relationships, who have not received good modeling and training to make their relationships into the hopes and dreams they have for them. Even worse, there are those who have learned some very destructive behaviors from those who raised them. Now I am a romantic in the sense that I believe everyone wants to have a wonderful relationship, but sadly some don’t know how. And even worse, some are emotionally incapable for they have been so hurt and wounded that they do not know what it means to love and what it means to express love to another in healthy ways. The Book of Deuteronomy says it this way, “The sins of the parents are passed on to the third and the fourth generations.” Once a cycle is started, it carries on from generation to generation as the children model the behavior of the parents.

Today, the title of the sermon is, “Broken Families, Broken Lives.” One of the very first lessons we learned in our “Marriage and Family Counseling” class was, “By the family you are broken.” And we know this to be the case when it comes to the issue of “Domestic Violence.” Studies show that 90% of all people who abuse others were abused themselves. That they were victims before they became victimizers. Sadly, when it comes to domestic violence, broken families, we also know that this issue is not something that is an isolated occurrence, but is almost epidemic in our society. I have seen some definitions of violence and I am not sure they all hold weight for me. It is not that the behaviors they describe are not hurtful or at least not helpful, but they sometimes seem to minimize the bigger picture.

It is an issue that does not have to be minimized, for the statistics are staggering. I read that 80 women a year are killed in the State of Arizona by a spouse or a boyfriend. That is one woman every four days. Statistically, a woman is safer on the street than she is in her own home. I have no idea the number of women who are raped or beaten so badly they need medical attention by their husbands. But my intent is not to dwell on the statistics, for I believe we are all pretty well aware of them. My concern is asking the question, “What is our role as a faith community in addressing the issue?”

To answer the question, I need to finish the statement I shared earlier. By the family you were broken, by the family you will be healed.” I believe we, as the church, are often asked or needed to be the family who will heal. Let me start with what I consider the hardest challenge first. It is based upon the passage you heard from Romans. Return good for evil. I have a friend who is a counselor. He told me that he was the only one in his office who would accept the assignment of counseling an abuser. The rest of the people in his office could not be open to the person, knowing what he, and it is usually he, had done. Knowing what he had done would prevent them from being present and supportive. “But,” he said, “If someone does not work with them, how will they ever even have a chance to change.” It is definitely a challenge but I believe that is one we are asked to consider as Christians. Can we look beyond the eyes of the abuser and see the heart of a little boy or girl that was so deeply hurt that some who have experienced it say, “Your very soul is killed.” I, personally, believe it takes a very special person with some very special training and skills to be the person to help. But as the church, we can still be people who express the hope that in God, all things are possible for those who are willing to turn their lives over to God. I believe we have to be willing to confront others who are hurting their families, try to help them find pathways to seeking help and to encourage them to follow that path knowing that they will need all the strength they can get to do so. For in doing so, they will be asked to relive and re-experience those deeply painful times in their lives.

Sadly, the church in general has not always done this, and even has suggested the opposite. I have lost track of how many stories I have heard where usually a wife comes to her pastor and tells him about the abuse and he says, “Scripture says your husband is the head of the household, so you must stay with him.” I am not debating that scripture says this, but I believe their interpretation of what it means is totally wrong. In fact it perpetuates the very issue in an abusive relationship which says “Me and my power in the relationship is what matters.” It’s an interpretation which also forgets half of the teaching. For the passage also says, “Husbands love your wives as Jesus loved the church.” And how was that? Jesus, himself, said, “Whoever wants to be first among you must be last and servant of all.” He also said, “The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve.” The role of a person who is said to be a leader is to serve others in such a way that they increase the ability of the one they love to find their greatest value and worth from the relationship. Scott Peck, author of the book, The Road Less Traveled, was asked what his role was as a husband. His reply was, “To do everything in my power to ensure my wife becomes the best person she is capable of becoming.” This was based upon his definition of love which is, “To nurture the emotional and spiritual growth of another.” This is what we are asked to do as the church.

Some often ask the question of, “Why doesn’t a woman just leave?” There are many reasons I am sure. The skit, itself, showed how beat down someone can become [Webmaster's note: This skit, Janet's Story, is included in the audio version of this sermon]. I remember the very first academic word I learned in seminary. It was the word “homeostatsis.” It means the fear of change, or the fear of the unknown. Some people are so afraid of what they don’t know, of what is unpredictable they are willing to stay in what they do know for it feels safer and more secure. As bad as this is, what I do not know may be worse. Plus, the fear builds up over time.

One of the subtleties of people living into bad relationships is what is called, “LND’s” It stands for “least noticeable differences.” People do not move from health to brokenness in one step, but by a series of little steps. Today he got mad over what I did. That happens. But once you accept that step, you are closer to more harsh steps and it takes fewer steps to get there. A book that talks about “LND’s” is entitled, The Frog In The Kettle. The premise is if you throw a frog into a kettle of boiling water, he will jump out because of the harsh temperature. But if you place a frog into water that is room temperature and slowly raise the temperature to boiling the frog will stay in the water not noticing the subtle changes of temperature. I believe that is part of the message from the skit. Issues build, not necessarily all at once, but over time. And before you realize it, you are suffocating under the weight of all these blankets and wonder how it ever happened, or how you got this far into the hurt.

But here again, it is important for us to understand how we can be helpful. Hopefully there comes a time where a person who is abused finally says I have to leave, especially if it is for my children. Statistically, a woman has to leave her home an average of three times, before she will leave for good. Now, this is if she receives the support she needs to make the break. But, also statistically, one woman out of three will find a bed in a shelter when she finally gets the courage to leave. When she does not find the help she needs, the words of the abuser can often come back to her. “No one cares about you. No one is there to help you. If it wasn’t for me you would be in the street penniless and without any way to support yourself.” We, as the church, need to do all in our power to work toward providing more beds and safe houses for those who are trying to escape their broken lives. If someone finally gets the courage to get themselves and their children out of an unhealthy environment, but then finds herself totally alone, how hard will it be to stay the course or worse try again?

Maybe the best way we can help break this cycle of violence is to be the family of God, who meets continually to understand who we are and who we are asked to be for each other and for our community. The door always open to us is to teach and model a better way. Jesus says, “You are a light to the world, a city set on a hill for all to see.” And in that light, all we do is to glorify God.

This is why we will do a sermon series on “Building Shalom Relationships.” We have entitled the series, “Growing In Love: Tools For Strengthening Relationships.” Our hope, our goal is to explore together how we can be more loving to those whose lives we touch. To truly live the commandment to love our neighbors as we seek to learn how to also love ourselves. In fact this will be the first sermon in the series which Nancy will preach next week, “Respecting Self and Others.”

By the family you were broken, by the family you will be healed. We, as the family of Christ, have a great challenge and responsibility before us. First, to make sure those who are being broken can find a safe place to be. That we recognize everyone as a child of God loved by God and do all in our power to help the image of God surface in their lives. At the same time, holding them accountable to change. The Gospel of Mark says, “The beginning of the Gospel, the good news of Jesus Christ is repent. Repent means to have a change of heart, mind and direction. We are called to help people repent, to seek a different path and journey so they can know the good news of new life. And we are asked to help people learn the skills that help them live together in shalom, the peace that not only stops violence and conflict, but also teaches us the skills and behaviors and yes, the roles to help others to live the fullness of life. It is why Jesus, himself says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.”

Next week we begin the important journey of looking at how we can become peacemakers in all we do to all we meet, so that the kingdom of God can come on earth as it is in heaven. For all of God’s children deserve to know and experience the life of shalom.

Sermon delived by Rev. George Cushman on January 8, 2006.